Ever since the discovery of fire, humans have focused their effort on increasing comfort. The respite that fire offered our ancestors blew their minds so thoroughly they became obsessed. Almost everything humans now do revolves around creating more comfort.
Have you tried on a new pair of sneakers recently? Or slept on a new bed mattress? Or ridden in a new EV? Or asked Claude to plan your travel itinerary. I rest my case.
Despite our impressive track record in creating comfort, however, the greatest catalyst of our conscious evolution has always been the experience of discomfort. When we are comfortable, we lounge. We settle in. We develop habits of dubious merit.
But when we are uncomfortable, we rise to action. We stretch ourselves. We strive to find solutions. We change the way we look at the world. We become our best selves.
This curious paradox reveals a golden secret. Discomfort, not comfort, is the gateway to growth. Discomfort is the precursor to insight.
Only a fool would conclude from this paradox that we should purposely seek out discomfort. We can rest assured discomfort will always find us, no matter how hard we try to shield ourselves from it. The growth opportunity is not in our movement towards discomfort, but rather in our reaction to it the moment it arrives.
In fact, this moment when discomfort finds us is the most exquisite pearl of human existence. At that very instant, we get to make a crucially important choice. We get to decide right then and there who we want to become.
We can choose to cling to a narrative that has been limiting us and defining us and reducing our potential. Or we can drop this narrative and adopt a completely fresh identity, an identity that has no limitation, an identity with infinite potential.
It is precisely for this reason that not getting what we want is a gift. No other growth opportunity ever gets presented to us. Growth always springs from disappointment. How we deal with not getting what we want defines the entire arc of our lives.
And the one thing we always, always, always want is more comfort. It could be in the physical form, such as a luxurious home, an ego-boosting car, a sumptuous meal. Or it could be in a less tangible form, such as approval from a lover, validation from a boss, improved performance in a sport.
But inevitably what we want boils down to a yearning for more comfort. Why? Because our concept of self is intrinsically insecure and tenuous. Our concept of self is built on an illusion. And illusions need a lot of propping up to be sustained. This propping up is always achieved through the vehicle of comfort.
That’s why not getting what we want is such a critically important gift for our spiritual development. It’s not just a small gift, it’s not just at the level of a box of chocolates or a bouquet of flowers. Not getting what we want is the greatest gift we ever receive.
Truly, the magnitude of this gift cannot be overstated. It is an absolute miracle of the highest order. Seeing the opportunity in disappointment, really leaning into it to extract its nectar, converts our lives from ones of quiet desperation into absolute ecstasy.
That’s why I’d like to propose a simple playbook rule in the game of life: Whenever we don’t get we want, we should drop everything and begin dancing in the street. Whenever we don’t get we want, we should fall to our knees and kiss the earth. Whenever we don’t get we want, we should rip off our clothes and whoop with glee.
Of course, I understand how preposterous my proposal sounds. It goes against years of conditioning that tells us to lower our mood when disappointment arrives, not raise it. I totally get why we might be resistant to doing the opposite.
So instead of trying to persuade you, I’m going to tell you a true story about a man I recently met. I believe this story will do a much better job than my logical word-smithing could ever do. It’s such an inspiring story, I can barely believe I got to hear it firsthand.
It all started one afternoon on the ski slopes when I ran into a friend who invited me to a men’s group meeting that evening. I was reluctant to go because I didn’t know any of the attendees. But after mulling it over a bit, I decided to take a chance and check it out.
Within minutes of my arrival, I noticed a man with a curious sparkle in his eyes. He was listening to his friends so intently, his expressions were radiating such deep love, I couldn’t help but watch. There was something so intoxicating and rare about how present he was.
After about twenty or thirty minutes, I got up the nerve to go talk to him. He immediately started treating me the same way I saw him treating his friends. He was listening to me so deeply. I was astounded that such depth was possible, especially right out of the gate with no shared history between us.
Eventually, I decided to mention what I was observing. “You seem so present, like you’re really seeing me at the deepest level,” I blurted out awkwardly. “It’s something I’ve hardly ever experienced.”
“Thank you,” he humbly replied. “Do you want to know why?”
“Absolutely,” I said.
“I went to an ayahuasca retreat in the Amazon forest about a year ago. I was a bit of a selfish dick in those days.”
“Oh yeah?” I said.
“You know, the typical egotistical thing,” he continued. “I think I was a pretty big narcissist. And I was just being my usual old self at the time. The woman who was our guide could sense it. So about half-way into the ceremony, she came up to me and told me I was full of crap. Just like that, she said, ‘Do you see how full of crap you are?’”
“Wow,” I muttered.
“And then she proceeded to smack me across the head very, very hard. Whack!”
“Really?” I exclaimed in surprise.
“Yeah,” he replied, “but apparently I still didn’t get the message. I guess the way I looked up at her didn’t satisfy her. She could see my ego was still very, very strong. So smacked me across the head again, this time even harder.”
“You’re kidding. That doesn’t seem right.”
“I know, everyone says that. At first, my wife was furious at her. Everyone I tell is. Until I explain what happened.”
“What happened?”
“I totally changed. I stopped being so wrapped up in myself. And that’s why I’m able to listen to people better.”
“Just like that?” I asked. And then his son stepped up. He’d been observing us from a distance, but now he walked right up to us.
“He’s totally understating the whole thing, just so you know,” he said to me.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“He was pretty much a shit father my whole life,” the son explained. “And now he’s the best father ever.”
“That’s amazing,” I said. “Incredible.”
They both just looked at each other with big smiles. The man didn’t flinch at all that his son had called him a shit father. They both seemed to be completely content with where they were—in their own lives and in their relationship with each other.
And that’s when I started to get a glimpse of the power behind not getting what you want. Obviously, this man did not want to be smacked in the head. Not the first time and certainly not the second.
But he decided to use the experience in the highest possible way. Rather than go into victim mode, he decided to react to it completely differently. He decided to open himself up to becoming a completely new person. A person that aligned with his deepest self.
Because he knew, he had always known, that he wasn’t really a narcissist at the deepest level. At the deepest level, he was simply pure love. He had always known this. We all know this. But we let our blockages and resistances deny it.
Please understand, I’m not suggesting that we go to the Amazon to take ayahuasca. Nor am I suggesting we sign up to be smacked in the head. What I am suggesting, rather, is that we be open to looking at things from a different perspective than our socialization points. And the greatest moment in which to do this is when we don’t get what we want.
It is the only moment when we can do this, in fact. It’s simply not possible for mere mortals to do it in any other moment. The ego is too strong—just like it was for this amazing father. But when we are disappointed, we are granted a reprieve from our tenacious egos. There is a brief instant when a window opens up, when we can flip our perspective and reinvent ourselves.
So if you see me dancing in the street for no apparent reason, if you see me kissing the earth and whooping with glee, you’ll know why. And I sure hope you’ll join me.